“Casting Tilda Swinton and Tom Hiddleston as vampires has to be one of the best ideas ever. As in, why hadn’t somebody thought of this before? And really, someone should have thought of this before, because they deserved a better movie than we got here. Nothing. Freakin’. Happened.
I kind of got a not so good vibe from the beginning. We opened on alternating shots of our leading vamps, lying back in their respective rooms admists their electic collections. Books for Swinton’s Eve and musical instruments for Hiddleston’s Adam. The camera spun around and they just lay there, and it spun again and again. Pretty soon a good five min had gone by and all we saw was them lying there. Both looked beautiful, but surely some action would be coming soon, right? Mmm not so fast.
After seeing a deary night in the afterlife of each of them (not a lot going on, just stocking up on blood in their post-millennial kill free ways) Eve travels across the world to be with Adam. Then they just wander the city. And still, nothing of consequence really happens. Things do start to shake up slightly once Eve’s sister Ava (Mia Wasikowska) shows up–an entire hour in the movie. But then she leaves almost as quickly. Slightly heightened drama that is soon resolved, and then we’re travelling again. Little more milling around, and then it’s over.
The one good thing we did get out of this was vampire Loki. Such a beautiful sight my eyes have not oft seen. But they weren’t even that vampiric vampires. The writers tried adding some new elemenets to the mythology, specifically around the vamps having to wear gloves, but never really said what the reason was behind it. Were they afraid to come into contact with garlic? Did they not want to leave fingerprints? Eczema? They sure made a big presenation every time the gloves came off (“”May I?”” with a slight bow) but no idea why. Also, why did they refer to some humans as zombies, when they were clearly not undead? And what was with this contaminated blood epidemic? So many questions. So much potential. And nothing. freaking. happened.
Only Lovers Left Alive – \m/ \n